103 weeks later and my last post still makes perfect sense. Oh, the irony.

It used to only take a look
for a reaction.
A simple hello.
Now even the most piercing words
don't even allow you to shed a breath.
And i'm standing there
and your walking away
like it's the easiest thing you've ever done.
But your eyes say so much more.
And you're faking it.
And everyone accepts that person,
but me.
And people change,
but sometimes people just lose themselves
and come back.
Should I wait?
Or are you gone forever my friend?
Tell me now
Cause I miss you.
Am I holding out for nothing?
Is the passionate man I knew gone forever?
And my heart has never hurt this much.
After 5 years..this what it comes down to.
A stare from beside a computer.
And a look out a window.
That has a view of nothing
but the 4 walls
we've been trapped in
this entire time.
And i'm trying to get through to you
but even beside each other
the distance between us is endless.
And I wonder..do other people feel this way?
Because i'm waiting to find someone who does.
And there's no reasons, no excuses, no sensability to this all,
accept every underlying condition
we have both known.
And i'm told by others I should've expected this eventually
from someone dealing with the things no one else can understand.
But after all this time..
I felt like I knew you better than all that.
And everyone's words
are stinging me all over my body.
Were they right?
Hmm what you say?
Not much of anything.
You show no signs of caring,
and I show every sign of giving up on my friend,
but could we both ever full do either?
What if you don't care..and I don't give up..
What if you still care..and I give up?
And it's just another open ended goodbye.
hmm whatcha say?

And your silence.
It kills me.
Like nothing has ever killed me before.
How this even happened
kills me.
And everyday
a constant mess
in silence and tears
Can you even hear me?
There was once a time
when this was it.
Everything we wanted.
Waited for.
There was once a time
when the moments were
so genuine and alive.
It kills me.
How dead everything has become.
I feel your eyes wander
across the room
without even looking back.
But here I am..
still looking back.
It always seemed the past
would be the present.
And now that it's here
and you're gone
it kills me.
Well your The One.
The One.
I thought would never leave.
The 1.
And I can't find you
and you're gone.
And in the end
Everyone leaves.

Date:	2005-12-09 01:07
Subject:	CAUTION: Most RANDOM THING EVER..
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy

Nothing is for sure. Senior year is like one big gamble. I like it. It's intense, exciting, sentimental, and yes, still stressful. I dunno..it just IS.
I hear songs and am thinking about my future, rather then ours now.
It's amazing. Epihpany. Is that even how you spell that? I hope so.
My car broke down in the middle of the highway tonight..and I didn't even care. It got towed and is at the shop..and I dunno why...but it was just like..so my car broke...deal with it. And I didn't even think twice about it
Saw 2.....good movie. Real good. Mind blow. Twisted. Graphic. Just all around good.
Colby love <3 not the kid.
Basketball is starting!!! Not that it ever ends.
Teacher's aren't always right...kids need to start sticking up for themselves more.
I hate math and science and want to be a cardiologist. HA. I love it.
Was at the Beal's the other day....saw Jackie. Not Devin. Not to worry. So good to see her. Just ...I dunno..interesting being there contrasting the last time I was there...it was kind of like..a different sort of happiness.
My digital camera is some what broken.
Lots of work to get done. Boo.
It needs to snow.
I just looked out in my driveway, and thought someone stole my car. And had just written 2 minutes ago about how it got towed and is in the shop.
I'm an idiot.
The Senior semi will be voted on if it's all seniors or not...just too ease everyone's freaking out ness. And honestly guys think about it.. it's called, "SENIOR WEEK" for a reason. Not "Senior week, plus one day it's not" And besides..if it's not all Seniors everyone will bring there boyfriend/girlfriend from a different grade, college, school, blahdiblah, and spend the whole night with them. When the point is to have one last big hoo rah with YOUR CLASS. The kid's you've grown up with. If you honestly have your boyfriend there who barely knows anyone..r u going to talk to anyone you may not have talked to in a while? I think the chances are better if it's just all of us, as a class. I'm not saying I don't understand why people want to bring there boyfriends/girlfriends who are older or younger...but if your second guessing going if you can't..I ask you to re-think that decision. Why waste a great night that could be spent with your class your last week with them ever? Can you really not find fun with all of the friends in your own class you do have?? I ask you to reconsider.
Now that that's covered.
Life would not be possible without cell phones. So many people would be stranded places, die...I don't understand how communication survived without them...it's crazy.
Tired am I.
Bed is it.

I have been thinking a lot lately. About life; Right now, the future, sports, college, friends, family. Everything imaginable. And I wonder what this is all leading up too. What if we could know the die we were going to die? If someone were to hand you an envelope tomorrow that told you the date you were going to die, would you take it? And if you did take it, would you do everything you wanted to do the week before you were supposed to die? Would you risk your life several times a couple of days before, knowing you weren't going to die? Or would you spend the time with your family? Your friends? Would you say everything you've ever wanted to say to everyone? Would you stop worrying about how something made you look, and tak every risk you've wanted to take?
Unfortunatly, none of us have that opportunity. We don't know if we're going to be gone 100 years from now or tomorrow. But what if...it is tomorrow? Should we all live like that today? Maybe we should all assume it IS TOMORROW, and start living for today. Start doing and saying what we've always wanted to do and say.
Why do we allow ourselves to miss someone far away and debate whether to call them? Why do we decide not to tell someone how we feel, in fear of how they feel about us, or how we feel? Why do we hesitate to do the best we possibly can in everything we do? Why do we go to sleep...being worried about being tired tomorrow. What is tomorrow?? It's a hope. Not a guarantee.
Why do we stress about what college we'll get into, and getting into the perfect college. College is going to be what we make of it no matter where we end up. Does it really matter if we go to Harvard or don't go to college at all? My dad never went to college. My brother went to Bates for 4 years. They do the exact same job. If you apply for a job and have Harvard on your application and someone else has UNH and the UNH person comes in and interviews better and seems more passionate about the job, they are going to get it. The school you go to doesn't define you. YOU define YOU. As long as you continue to do what makes you happy and follow your heart, you'll end up in the right place.
Why do we shut people out of our lives? Why?
Why is everything we do measured in numbers rather than words?? How much can you tell about a person from numbers? Grades, Height, Weight, SAT scores, GPA, Shot percentage, Goal percentage, salary. How much do any of those thing's tell about a person? I'm talking about a person's character, morals, beliefs, thing's that make them tick. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing.
Why don't we take the time to look beyond the numbers? Why is it all about numbers in so many aspects of life?
Why are people un-lucky? Why do 8 year olds get cancer? Why does karma not always come back around?
What would you do if you could get an envelope tomorrow with the date you were going to die? What if you couldn't............

Date:	2005-10-29 22:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	Senior year doesn't allow music

Dear Senior year,

I have many mixed emotions about you. People say you go by fast, and yet, it seems like i've been invovled with you forever and it's only been a month. I picked too hard of a schedule for you. You are too hard for me. You stress me out and make me apply to college...aka figure out where I want to put myself for the next 4 years. You make me feel like I am in complete competition with the entire world...because that is pretty much the case. You make me want to have senioritis right now and make me feel like i've paid my dues, yet trick me, because I haven't. You get me really excited to do fun thing's with my class and with my friends, yet will rip them all away from me in less than a year. You make me wonder where everyone will end up and what they will be doing with their lives. You make me realize that this is my last chance to win a championship in any sport and make me work harder then ever. You make me want to succeed, yet be ridiculously afraid to fail. You let me have a lack of sleep, and burn me up. You took a lot of my friends away from me, and allow me to rarely talk to them or see them because we are all so busy. You don't give me enough time for a job, yet a necessity for lots of money. You made gas prices ridiculously high and left lots of people without homes. You made me wake up late in the mornings and force me to eat my breakfast in the car. You made me have 7th period lunch and let the lunch ladies tell me there's no food left when I get there. You made me have creative writing 8th, or I could've left after 6th. You gave me the worst period ever for Senior Leadership next semester...1st. You allow me to wonder about him often. You made me get the department head for Calculus. You let me drop my cell phone twice and have to get a new one..oh ya, because you forgot to make me get insurance. You let mosquitos get triple E...which makes us all at risk. Senior year, I would appreciate it if you got easier, allowed me to get more sleep, and filled out my college applications for me. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Jillian K

Oh yes Bud, I meant to show you these. Here are some picks from DMB at THE GORGE my friend Rachel took this year. I know this is just a complete dissapointment seeing them. But...holy hell..what a great atmosphere/backdrop for a concert. I'm definitely thinking next time Dave plays at the Gorge...You, Me, Allison, Erica, Stephen(Well maybe) haha...ect. Seriously..we have to start saving now...because whoah..just wow. Check these out....

http://community.webshots.com/photo/431191371/431191371OiJfdw

http://community.webshots.com/photo/431190852/431190852SwFaWQ

http://community.webshots.com/photo/431190852/431190852SwFaWQ

http://community.webshots.com/photo/431187161/431187161wAloyg

You'll probably check out the whole album..but hey, there are some of the good one's.

PS: I think this girl Rachel could possibly BE YOU.
* SHE LOVES DAVE
* SHE GOES TO MORE THEN ONE DAVE SHOW PER VENUE
* SHE IS GOING TO SUFFOLK NEXT YEAR..ONE OF YOUR CHOICES..

AND HOW WEIRD IS THIS...THESE ARE THE LYRICS SHE HAS IN HER INFO RIGHT NOW..

Come and relax now
Put your troubles down
No need to bear the weight of your worries
Yeah, let them all fall away.
[dave matthews band]
SO YA, PRETTY WEIRD EH??

SHE'S PROBABLY YOUR SOULMATE OR SOMETHING.

..If only her name was Deb.


Anyways, hope the intercollegiate level is treating you well.

Talk to you soon my friend.

Date:	2005-08-27 01:10
Subject:	If you don't want to hear my life story..I suggest you stop reading here..:)
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Random I-Tunes

I'm scared, but i'm so ready. I think i'm scared because of how ready I am. I am so excited for senior year, but have some major anxiety when it comes to college. Not about leaving town, or what it will be like when I get there...but making the right choice and getting in. I know once I get to college, no matter where I go, it will be what I make of it...I just want to feel like i'm headed to a place i'm excited to go to. I think the college application process is going to be stressful. And then there's the whole factor of what I want to major in. Forever my dream has been to be a cardiologist and go to med school. And lately everyone has been basically telling me they see me as a lawyer and not a doctor. And honestly, I could see myself as a lawyer too. Yet, I really think my passion is in the medical field. Either way i'm going to have to go to school forever. Also I feel that if I want to get into a good medical or law school the college I pick is really important. For as long as I can remember i've always said that i've wanted to go to school in New England, but lately i've really been questioning that notion. I really like the Baltimore, Maryland area, and also think there are some schools with some great med programs in Washington, such as George Washington. I mean the school has it's own hospital! Then there's the totally different issue of wanting to play basketball or soccer in college. I can't see myself not playing a competitive sport in college. However, the only schools that are interested in me athletically, i'm not very interested in them academically. And as much as I love sports and they are a huge part of my life, i'm going to school for school...not sports. I mean what if I chose to go to a school to play basketball I didn't really like and 2 weeks into the season I broke my ankle. Now i'm at some school I don't like not playing sports. So I can't bank on the athletic factor.
It seems so weird to me that I thought my focus right now was going to be all of my good friends who left for college. I didn't realize that I have to start deciding where I want to spend the next 4 years of my life. I'm going to be leaving my friends here before I know it. However, it is quite weird with everyone gone. Especially a select few. I guess in my mind I wish that I could keep in contact with everyone who left, especially my good friends. But the reality of it is, they are so busy and so am I. And I guess as long as you know in your heart how much someone cares about you, how much you care about them and they make the effort as much as they can and so do you then thing's will be okay. I just sincerely hope all my good friends enjoy where they end up, meet awesome people, and look forward to the year's to come there, because there can't be anything worse then hating your college. They could always transfer, but that's a process and a half. I'm interested to see if anyone comes back different.
I'm really excited for this year and hopefully becoming really close as a class. Obviously everyone will never all be friends, but that doesn't mean a lot of us won't and we can't have fun together. It's really crazy when you think about it..some of us have spent the last 12 years together! 12!! Holy crap....that's like all but 5 years of our lives. Some of us 7 years together, or some people 1. Some of my friends went to pre-school together! That's basically spending your whole life up to this point with someone. Never again will this same group of people be together in this enviorment. It's interesting if you think about it. I hope people are who they are this year and don't hold back...because really what's the point?? I'm looking forward to helping plan for Disney this year! I know the people who end up going will have fun! I'm sad I can't go, but I committed to going to Italy because it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up! I am soooo excited. I'm seriously already counting down the days. It is going to be unbelievable!!

***ALL SENIORS***

******So years ago and previous years and stuff and ya there has been this tradition that all the Seniors meet in the old bowling allye paking lot the morning before school and they all bring black car paint, flags that say 06'..anything seniorish...and they all motorcade to school. As in, all follow each other in one big pack, or line, whatever u wanna call it, and all show up for school together. I think that'd be pretty sweet and a good start to our first day as Seniors...spread the word...old bolwing alley parking lot...7 am...so we can get everyone there..then head to the Senior breakfast. And for all of you that are like, "Im not going to the breakfast, because I dont want to wake up, blahdiblah...COME ON...it's ONE DAY!!! Your first day as a Senior!! Don't sleep it away!!*****
******WEAR BLACK ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!
******Don't forget about the Senior Breakfast Wednesday morning @ 7:30 in the cafe!! Free Food!!!! I think this will be a good beginning for us all and a good kick off to Senior year and a chance for everyone to catch up before the year begins!
******Following the breakfast there will be a Senior class meeting on the bleachers @ 9...reguarding Disney, Senior T-Shirts, probably year book deadlines for senior write ups and pics, basically up-coming thing's for our class!

So yes on another note. I'm pretty pumped for soccer this year! We have 12 Seniors on the team and just a lot of people who are really focused and really want to win!! And ya know what i've noticed?? As a class we have A TON of us who participate in extra curricular activities!! Whether it be sports, band, or different clubs. Seriously think about all the Seniors that will be joining you this year in an after school activity, you'll be surprised as how many Seniors are participating! So I commend everyone for that. Good for us!!

I'm pretty pumped because i'm going to see Green Day a week from today with my sister!! Wooooo!!
And the next weekend i'm going to Cape Cod with Julie to visit my 2 brothers, there wives and my baby nephew Ryan!! It should be a good weekend.

Something i'm not looking forward to includes finishing my summer English project. YEP! Once again procrastinated all summer when in the beginning I was like i'm not going to leave this to the last week. What do ya kno..I did. Still have 200 pages to read and about 3,500 more words to write for the journal.

OH yeah, is anyone else in 7th lunch and 8th period Creative writing? I'm not too happy about this...I could be leaving after 6th. I have late arrival though. woo. And second semester I think I might have late arrival and early release...but that depends if I end up doing Senior Leadership.

I wish summer would last forever in a way. This is my last weekend of summer vacation in high school. Weird.

Anyways now that you all know my life story I hope you are all doing well wherever you are, doing whatever your doing!!

Talk to you soon.

I've concluded my sister and I are both just too ridiculous to get along. We're psychos. Put us together and you have the biggest rampage in the world. Like if we both don't like you, you mine as well jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. We're insane.

And she's here right now.

And Julie and I are going into Boston tonight to see her brother and my sister.

It'll probably be Boston Massacre #2.

Can't wait.

Date:	2005-07-23 00:52
Subject:	MY B.
Security:	Public
Mood:	hyper
Music:	The Format-The First Single

OMG HOW COULD I FORGET....

THAT WICKED SWEET ROLLER SKATING PARTY I HAD....

YA THAT WAS PRETTY AWESOME.

BUD FELL LIKE 6 TIMES.

IT WAS CRAZY!

Date:	2005-07-20 02:08
Subject:	It's so late tonight, this could be the last time.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	All American Rejects

And i'm just sitting here waiting for the pain in my shoulders and neck to subside
but it continues to ache on.
And I know i'm not only hurting from the work out.
I know i'm worked up.
And it's 2 AM, heading to the beach at 9.
Got a fan sitting next to me pointed directly at my computer,
so it doesn't overheat and shut off.
Although I need to lie in my bed, and it really needs to shut off.
Wanting to shut my eyes and drift off,
I only think of you.
And everyone's leaving, and everyone's left.
And I just had the most serious look on my face 2 seconds ago,
now i'm laughing.
The beginning of the song i'm listening to,
is really funny.
It sounds like the beginning of a kid's show.
You're like my other half.
You really are.
You know what i'm thinking,
when i'm thinking it.
You know my every weakness.
You know what makes me angry, happy, sad,
what makes me tick.
What i'm passionate about.


-Schnell's class
-Konstantine
-My 16th birthday
-Dispatch
-Night Drives
-Hand making kit
-Prom 04
-Study hall 1st semester
-Self pics
-Live journal
-Wayne complaints
-Dunkin Donuts
-Car rides from the skate park
-Ashley!?
-Chili's
-Applebee's
-Hollis School play
-Philosophy
-Lunch....not.
-Hating everyone
-Before 7th
-Naps
-3 am phone calls and texts
-Decorating your house
-Barnes and Noble
-Caramel Macciatos
-Toffee Nut
-Graduation
-Leonard's Algebra 2 class
-Napoleon and Deb
-ambiguous
-individual
-LDB
-COOOOOOLLLLL birthday parties....NOT. hahaha
-T. Wiley....
-BVI
-Xmas Eve 04...cuz gas stations are obviously open at 11 pm then...obviously.
-1-8-05...AKA getting my sophomore year yearbook back
-Our date to Newick's...HA HA HA
-Late night AOL convos
-That night in Hollis star gazing and talking in your car
-The "Boston Massacre"
-Coincidences/fate
-Dumb voicemails

So much more.....but it's now 2:30 AM.




Back me down from backing up.....


-And when the memories slip away they're will be a bit of you within. And only lonesome you remains, and just the thought of you I fear.-


Night Matty.

Date:	2005-07-20 01:39
Subject:	Space for thinking..Space to scream to..but the echos sound like you.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore
Music:	Move Along-AAR

Hmmm...I don't know. I don't know. Everything's wide open....

PS: I DONT CARE IF ITS 3 IN THE MORNING AND YOU WAKE UP AND GET MY MESSAGES..OR SEE THIS...CALLL MEEEEE

OKAY SO IT JUST OCCURED TO ME THERE MAY BE ONE LOGICAL EXPLANAION FOR ALL THIS. ONE AND ONLY ONE. SINCE YOU WERE AT CAMP ALL NIGHT AWAKE MOST OF THE NIGHT PROBABLY YOU MAY HAVE COME RIGHT HOME FROM CAMP AND STILL BE SLEEPING.....POSSIBLE...MAYBE....I DUNNO BC I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD'VE WOKEN UP BY NOW...BUT YOU HAVE SLEPT LONNNGGGG HOURS BEFORE. I DUNNO...IF THIS IS THE CASE..I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT..BUT YOUR ALSO A HUGE MORON IF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING THIS WHOLE TIME AND ARE LOSING OUT ON DAVE TICKETS IF U DIDNT ALREADY GET THEM FROM THE PSYCHO KILLER ONLINE....OMG OMG OMG OMG...THATS IT!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! DID U GO GET THEM FROM THE KILLER SOMEHWERE AND WAS HE A KILLER AND R U DEAD!? HOLY SHIT..IM WICKED FUCKING FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW...SERIOUSLY BUD. THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY. AND I ALREADY TALKED TO ERICA AND SHES LIKE "YA I TALKED TO HIM EARLIER THIS MORNING AND HE SAID HE HADN'T GOTTEN THE TICKETS AND HE WAS GONNA CHECK RIGHT WHEN HE GET HOME" OMG..WHAT IF YOU CHECKED..AND WENT AND GOT UM FROM THE PSYCHO AND HE IS PSYCHO..AND I DUNNO...BUT HOLY SHIT. JUST CALL ME. I SOUND WEIRD...BUT IM SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU..IM NOT GOING TO LIE. CALL ME!

BUD STEVENS...WHERE ARE YOU??? SERIOUSLY!? ARE YOU DUMB!? I CALLED YOUR PHONE 12 BILLION TIMES TODAY!?? I FIGURE MAYBE IT WAS DEAD...THEN I CONCLUDED IT WASN'T BECAUSE IT WAS RINGING AND IT WOULDN'T RING IF IT WAS DEAD. THEN I FIGURED, IF IT WAS IN FACT DEAD, YOU WOULD'VE CALLED ME LATER TODAY WHEN U GOT HOME AND CHARGED IT. THEN YOU DIDN'T AND I WAS LIKE HMM WELL MAYBE HE DIDNT GO HOME AND HASN'T CHARGED IT..HELL CALL ME WAYY LATER. IT IS NOW 12:24 CHICAGO TIME...WHICH MEANS ITS 1:24 AM NEW HAMPSHIRE TIME!? WHICH MEANS BARNES AND NOBLE IS CLOSED AND HOUSE PROBABLY ISN'T ON...AND WHEN IVE LEFT YOU THIS MANY MESSAGES IF YOU WERE WATCHING A TAPED VERSION OF HOUSE YOU WOULD'VE CALLED ME. AND IN AN EVEN MORE AMBITIOUS, FRANTIC ATTEMPT TO GET A HOLD OF YOU I CALLED YOUR HOUSE TWICE..NO ONE ANSWERED...YOUR MESSAGE MACHINE WENT ON AFTER 2 RINGS!? AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU TO TELL YOU MY FRIEND ASHLEY LABNON, THE ONE YOU THINK IS CRAZY HAS A DAVE TICKET U CAN BUY OFFFFF HER FOR SUNDAYS SHOW...AND I KNOWYOU WOULD'VE CALLED BACK BY NOW IF YOU WERE ALIVE BECAUSE IVE MENTIONED THAT IN 2 MESSAGES. I USUALLY JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT THINGS AND DONT THINK OF ALL THE OPTIONS AND THEN THE PERSONS LIKE.."I WAS IN THE SHOWER YOU PSYCHO!" BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE....IVE REALLY TRIED TO THNK OF EVERY REASON WHY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CALLED BACK AND REALLY THOUGHT YOU WOULD'VE CALLED OR TEXTED ME BACK BY NOW. I'M GETTING EXTREMLY WORRIED! PLEASE CALL MY CELL PHONE AS SOON AS YOU SEE THIS. I DONT HAVE A GAME UNTIL 715 TOMORROW NIGHT ANYWAYS...AT WHICH POINT YOU;LL BE AT THE DAVE SHOW ANYWAYS..SO YA...UMM CALLL MEEEEEE PLEASE!! MAYBE IM OVER REACTING...BUT I CANT THINK OF ANY LOGICAL EXCUSE FOR THIS STRANGE OCCURANCE..AND YOU KNOW ME AND MY "HATING TH FEELING OF NOT KNOWING" SOOOO CALLLLLLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date:	2005-06-06 22:00
Subject:	I'll remember the way you changed me...
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased
Music:	Madonna-I'll Remember

Finale Poem:

I remember the first night I met you.
Who would’ve thought?
The little theater
And Amerrimack Idol
Would be the place to meet
Someone like you.
You were vibrant.
Passionate about the drums.
I remember you were in a band.
You gave me the CD once.
It says “SW” on it.
I don’t really remember what it stands for.
Too be quite honest.
I think something like Short Wave.
But I’m not sure.
So I call it Sideways.
We played darts in your garage.
You told me you could hit the board
Throwing backwards.
I tried.
I made a hole in the wall.
But it was the barn
So you said it was okay.
Every time I was with you
It reminded me of
Ripping the cellophane
Off a new CD
You’ve been waiting to get forever.
Speaking of ripping things..
One night you ripped the crotch of your pants.
In the middle of the bowling alley.
And made us all go home,
So you could change.
Instead we watched Dumb and Dumber
For the 50th time.
For a while you said,
My hair looked like
Loyd’s.
I told you to eat shit.
I remember Spending all of Christmas together,
And not missing my own family.
I remember when we played pool,
And you’d have two balls left,
And I’d have all of mine,
And then you’d knock in the 8 ball,
And lose.
Remember that day your mom and I,
Picked you up from the police station
And then we had that long talk in your back yard
And you begged for us to be back together.
I told you I’d have to think about it for a couple of days.
Gosh, I was good.
I obviously didn’t have anything to think about,
Everyone knew,
I wanted you,
Hardcore.
Those days were for you to think.
I remember when we were obsessed with “Float On”
We played it over and over again.
Even though when you bought the CD
I told you, you were an idiot
Because it was pink.
Then again,
So were all your shirts.
One day you started popping your collar,
Again I thought you were an idiot.
I do it all the time now.
I remember the day we went to Six Flags
And you didn’t talk to me all day,
Because you were in a bad mood.
On the way home I felt so sick.
Sitting in the back.
You’d never let anyone drive your car,
You let Ryan drive it, so you could
Take care of me.
I remember when you gave me my year book back,
And I expected,
“You’re pretty cool I guess.”
And I got the longest, nicest letter.
The last line was,
“Only time will tell.”
It’s so true.
I remember the way you looked on prom night,
And how I’d never seen more beautiful eyes on anyone.
We used to lie in your bed
And listen to CD’s.
Just because.
You didn’t get service in your room.
So you’d keep your head against the screen of your window,
To talk to me at night.
I remember riding Go-Karts around your backyard,
And you almost killing us.
I remember the day I fell in love with you.
It was Easter 2004.
You came over and gave me flowers and a card.
We went down to a river in Amherst, sat there for about 10 minutes.
Got up and you drove me home.
And that was that.
Nothing amazing happened in anyone else’s eyes,
But mine.
Acres of Wildlife.
The campground in Maine we went to last June.
Your sister won the bingo tournament and didn’t realize it,
So had to split the candy with another kid.
She was pissed.
We found random sand pits,
You told me to crawl in them,
Like an idiot,
I listened.
My sandal got stuck in it and lost.
Until you found it 20 minutes later.
That night it rained and I left my flip flops outside the camper.
I woke up and your mom looked at me funny.
She apologized because
In an effort to dry my rubber sandals,
She had melted them in the fire.
I still wore them after,
Even though they only covered half my foot.
You always told me the stars looked brighter
And there were so many more in Maine,
You were right.
You gave me a flashlight signal
To come into your tent.
I forgot what they were.
Called your cell phone.
You told me I was a friggen moron.
I had to agree.
I remember when we had
One of the best conversations we’d ever had
Paddle boating on the lake.
Your porch swing was my favorite place,
I always loved farmer’s porches and porch swing’s.
It was so down to earth.
I remember leaving for basketball for a while
Being sad to leave you.
But excited to gain an opportunity.
I remember coming back
And everything being different.
You told me I was spoiled,
And didn’t know the true value of hard work
And had everything handed to me.
I remember how you degraded me,
And how shitty you made me feel.
I remember for some reason,
Believing you.
We went out to eat
At the Texas Roadhouse.
You love their rolls and butter.
Ridiculously.
You paid.
We sat by a fire that night,
The night it all crashed.
I remember bawling my eyes out all the way home,
And being so confused.
You IMed me the next day.
To see, “how I was doing.”
I pretended to be fine.
Shocker.
I obviously wasn’t.
I remember how I tried the friend’s thing.
And how you played me all summer,
Again, again, and again.
I remember knowing and ignoring.
Thing’s got bad.
But you were still around,
And so was I.
I completed my basketball summer,
Well you completed your get some summer.
Success for both of us.
Soccer camp together
At the end of summer.
Proved how much the friend thing would never work.
Some girl ended up there,
That you had told me to weeks before was just your friend.
24-7, make out, friends,
you love those kind.
I remember talking to you
On the sidewalk in Keene,
You thought you owned that sidewalk,
The world, and everything in it.
I had never seen that side of you,
Should’ve been my last straw,
Not even close.
I remember the first day of school,
Not meeting you at any of your classes.
Not being in your lunch.
Not talking.
Period.
People think their tough.
And they tried to prove that on you.
Don’t ask me why.
Even if you had a chip on your shoulder,
It wasn’t towards them,
Anymore.
The bottle shattered your window,
And for the first time I felt my broken heart re shatter,
Not for me,
For you.
I remember walking into the skate park from school,
And your mom dropping you off next to me.
You had tears in your eyes.
You car was orange,
With spray paint.
HATE.
I’d never seen a more painful look in your eyes.
I’ve never wanted to protect you more then that moment.
I remember you calling me a day later
With only the words,
“Jill I’m moving.”
I remember I was passing the skate park when you said that,
Crushed,
Was I.
I went over to your house.
Went into your room.
Your face was in your hands.
I remember hugging you.
I never wanted to let go.
When I did.
We both broke down.
Your mom opened the door,
Started doing the same,
And held us both.
HATE DROVE YOU OUT.
I remember not using our time wisely.
One day after soccer I came over,
We had a sunflower seed fight,
With huge sunflowers.
Who does that?
One day I was driving home from work,
And reality hit,
When I saw the FOR SALE
Sign outside of your house.
I never thought that day would come.
On Christmas I came over.
We were always good present getters.
The Curt Schilling Picture was awesome,
But the card and the frame were the best.
The frame had that love proverb on it,
You know.
The one that ends in,
“Love Never Fails.”
The day you left,
I knew it was going to be
The last time,
I could drive to your house,
With my eyes closed.
When I got there,
They were loading the last thing,
Into the moving truck,
The refrigerator.
They forgot me.
I went inside,
Your mom was facing the window.
She turned around,
With tears in her eyes,
And said,
“I knew you were going to be the hardest to say goodbye too.”
I held it in.
Still don’t know how.
I gave your sister Jelly Belly Jelly beans,
Those were our favorite.
Remember how we’d put them in each other’s mouths,
And make the other guess which flavor it was.
You gave me black licorice once,
Knowing I hate that.
I was pissed.
But not as pissed as you were
When I gave you,
Already chewed chocolate pudding.
Yum.
We walked outside to my car,
I gave you a CD case, and CD I hade made you.
And of course a letter.
I told you not to read it till you got there.
I remember driving away from your house,
For the last time.
Forever.
I remember when you thanked me for everything,
And told me,
The CD made you cry
On the way to Maine.
And you had to look away every time your parents
Drove up next to you.
I remember feeling lonely.
Three weeks later,
I went and saw you.
Expecting closure.
But got nothing of the kind.
The only thing that closed,
Was that fact that I thought
You’d be an idiot.
We went to a girl’s hockey game,
You pointed across the ice.
One the other side above each team,
There were two signs.
One that said, “Home”
And one that said, “Away”
You pointed to the first one and added a “Go” before it.
You thought you were so funny,
You were most of the time.
We went and saw your cousins
Who lived about an hour and a half away.
I remember not saying a word,
On the way home,
And letting the lyrics of
Jimmy Eat World,
Speak to each other.
Until you went to turn right,
And turned on your blinker,
And it put the left one on instead.
You pulled over, and
Made me get out and see what was going on.
It was a simple answer.
Your lover of a car,
Sucks.
You didn’t want to hear that.
We went to a diner,
Wicked wicked good BLT.
You future wife,
The cute waitress worked there.
I approved.
Then we went and played pool,
You lost again,
On the 8 ball.
At the boys basketball game,
Your friends were crazy.
You tried to get them to chant.
It was weak.
I fell in love with the point guard for the Winslow
Boy’s basketball team.
He was hot,
I’m not gonna lie.
I remember sitting in your new hot tub,
Staring at the stars.
And telling you,
It was the perfect moment.
We went and saw “Meet the Fawker’s”
The next night.
Do you realize that was the first movie
We have ever seen together
In almost the two years we had known each other.
How weird is that.
We watched plenty.
At each other’s house’s.
Finding Nemo,
Topped them all.
Don’t lie.
We watched it,
So many times.
I remember in your room,
In Maine.
You told me you missed me,
And you loved me.
And I have never
Been so shocked
In my life.
When I felt the exact same way about someone.
You told me you never had a girlfriend
After we broke up,
Because nothing would compare,
To the relationship we had,
And everyone would always be second best.
I remember feeling the exact same way.
We talked about making it work.
But I had to leave the next morning.
Actually we had that conversation at 3 AM,
So about,
8 hours later.
And I did.
And it was hard,
But not as hard the first goodbye.
I felt like there was hope for us and
Thing’s being okay.
I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way home.
I’m not gonna lie.
My mom made fun of me.
I remember wondering the next time
I was going to see you.
We talked constantly for the next
Two weeks
Almost every night.
One night, I even got an
“I love you” again.
We talked online
And on the phone
For about 2 months.
Then it just stopped.
You stopped calling me,
Calling me back,
IMing me,
Everything.
I don’t know what happened.
But I think things got to you.
Everything.
I think everything that happened to you,
Really fucked you up.
I remember feeling empty,
And having a void in my life.
I had hope though,
That one day you’d return my call, or IM.
It’s been 3 months,
You still haven’t.
I wanted to come up
For your graduation.
I got an invitation actually.
From your mom.
You wouldn’t want me there.
Ya know,
Your own mom told me,
You wouldn’t even appreciate
Me driving 8 hours
In one day,
To see you for four.
She said,
You don’t only treat me like this,
But your whole family.
She’s sick over you,
Did you know that?
Ya you did,
Cuz you told her,
To “get over it.”
I remember when I told EVERYONE
EXACTLY
What I think of you.
I remember when I hated you
For whom you’ve become.
For saying the things you did,
Then treating me the way you have.
For the way you treat you own family.
For not being anything like,
Who you truly are,
Or aren’t.
I remember a an intriguing, stunning,
Funny, sweet, passionate,
Boy.
I drove to AAU tonight,
Stuck my hand out the window,
And felt free.
Because I felt alive again.
And didn’t feel tied down by someone
Who I supposed to be
My friend.
Acceptance,
It’s a beautiful thing.
The funny thing is.
When I got to basketball,
Our coach told us to go
Into a classroom,
We were watching tapes.
I thought he meant game tapes.
I was wrong.
He meant the 15 minutes speech
Jimmy Vallvano gave,
A month and half before he died of cancer,
About never giving up.
He said
There are three things’ you need to do everyday
In life.
#1-Think
#2-Laugh
#3-Let you emotions run so high they bring you to tears
Whether there tears of joy, or sadness.
Feel there effects.
And he’s right.
He said the best thing about cancer
Was that it can’t control your mind.
And he’ll always have his
Mind, heart, and soul
Long after he’s gone.
The teleprompter said he had 30 seconds left to speak,
He looked at it and said,
“I have tumors all over my body,
Do you think I’m going to only
Give myself 30 more seconds to speak?”
He was living each moment to the fullest,
Taking the most out of life.
He said you have to have enthusiasm in life,
Or you have nothing.
And ya know,
I hate you forgetting all of those things.
But most importantly,
I hate you for wasting your gift of life,
On the material world,
And not treating the people who
Care about you the most,
With love and respect.
I hope someday you learn.
I truly do.
I hope one day,
If I see you again,
You’ve realized what’s important
In life.
And you’re the person you
Have the potential to be.
I remember when it felt okay,
To say goodbye,
In a poem.
Instead of saying it to you.
At least I know,
I listen and respond to myself.
THEN AGAIN,
Since when do goodbyes need responses?
I remember when I summed it up,
With one word,
And I called it,
HATE.

Date:	2005-05-13 00:16
Subject:	PROM 2005!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	I Can't Take You Anywhere-Toby Keith

Prom was pretty much amazing. It was perfect. Everyone had such an awesome time. I am so happy everything went so well and am so releived!! I loved every minute of it! I really can't describe it, but it was just awesome with everyone there, and being with our whole class. It was a night to remember for the rest of my life. It met all expectations and exceeded them.

Check out the pics....
http://community.webshots.com/slideshow?ID=340051762&key=hpdQNp


Not getting enough sleep is a vicious cycle!!
Night!

Date:	2005-04-25 00:07
Subject:	I'm awake, but my world is half asleep...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Brand New-Am I wrong?

So vacations here finally. Friday night Julie, Amanda, Kellie G, Kelly F, Kuba and me all went to the drive-inns. It was such a good time. Just chillin with all those girls and then chillin with Nick. That kid can make me laugh so hard. We always have such a good time together. It's so weird bc were neighbors and when we were little we used to play bball, kickball, and baseball in his yard. Play flash light tag every Friday with the neighborhood and just be sooo tight. And then we were never in the same cluster in middle school and didn't talk much and never chilled. This year it's like that elementary school friendship has been revived. It's like when i'm with him I feel like a little kid again..and I feel like it's okay.
Saturday night I thought I was working but then I called just to double check and John, the manager, was like no you're not on bye. So considering I only work Saturday nights I thought I was unspokenly fired since I haven't worked in weeks. And then I get a lovely message on my phone this morning from the other manager Chilla.. "Hi, Jillian this is Chilla I was wondering if you could work tonight, Sunday, call me." I was so mad. I was like..it's inevitable...i'm never going to get fired. I couldn't work anyways, because I had softball. Shocks.
So Saturday night I ended up going to King Kone with Dave Schaller and we ate our ice cream and ended up talking their for two hours. After that I headed up to the MYA to play some bball in the pouring rain with Russ, both Kyles, Sully, Alyssa Wallace, Sam, ect ect ect. It was a good time even though I was soaking wet.
Today I woke up nice and late like usual at about 12. Then I went and saw Jarrad play in his soccer game. Then I went to softball practice. Then me, Julie, Blair, Carolyn, and my friends Dan, and Ryan headed up to Tri-Town arena to see Schaller play in his 3-3 game. So i'm speeding up there driving like a maniac so we get there on time for 8:40. We get there on time..walk in...see Dave's mom and are like.. "Hey! We came to see Dave play!!" And she's like.. "it's over." We were like ohhh great. She's like ya the schedule got messed up and they had the earlier game. So we basically drove to Hooksett for nothing. But we ended up waititng for Dave to come out of the locker room and all going to Wendy's. After we left there Julie, Blair, and Care came over and chilled for a little bit..it was a good time.
I'm really glad it's vacation. That's pretty sweet. Even though it will be softball mania.
So the prom ticket selling was freaking so stressful. I love how two weeks ago...a week into selling tickets they tell us kids bringing dates from other schools need to have sheets signed by the other schools administration and have them in by last Friday. NOT COOL. I went to Mr. House-Meyers and was like.. "I don't feel comfortable telling 50 kids they can't go to prom today because they don't have a sheet signed..they didn't even know about..they need to have until atleast May 5th to turn it in..and they need to be able to buy their tickets." His response was.. " We are making kids get forms signed to bring dates from other schools?" I REST MY CASE. HONESTLY. COOL COMMUNICATION AMONG THE ADMINISTRATION. OUR ASSISTANT PRINCIPALS DON'T EVEN KNOW WE ARE FORCED TO GET KIDS TO HAVE THOSE SHEETS SIGNED!!! YEAH, SO I WAS WICKED MAD ABOUT ALL THAT AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. But ya, it's over and now thw fun begins!!!! wooooo!! I really hope everyone has a good time at prom because everyone worked really hard planning it and i'm excited for everyone to be together and have a good time!!

On another note: You bother me a lot. You really should stop iming my friends and my sister telling them your life story in hopes they tell me. If you haven't noticed they have told me..and I haven't spoken a word to you in months. It means nothing to me when these people tell me about YOUR life...which is really fucked up by the way. Why don't you grow up, start taking responsibility for your actions, stop acting so numb to life and get a grip. I'm done trying to find you...when you're ready...you find me.

"I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place .. it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me, doing what I should have done eight months ago .. saying goodbye" - Dawsons Creek

Fuck coincidences. Fuck fate.

Doing something I should've done a long time ago....

Date:	2005-04-16 01:12
Subject:	Looking back...
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Jack Johnson

haha..Looking back on old entries tonight...

This is why I miss Devin:

Here we have exibit A:

I wrote quite a long entry on December 31st 2003. It said some nice thing's about Devin. Someone felt the need to annonomously, innocently comment...



"Devin is a great kid but look at how many girlfriends he has had,and how short his relationships have been,be careful."

Anybody else would either totally let that go or just be like..UM NO!!!

Instead Devin reads my live journal and this is his comment back to the person...

hey whoevr wrote "Devin is a great kid but look at how many girlfriends he has had,and how short his relationships have been,be careful..." nice try... no really it was agood attemp 2 make me look bad.. its jut 2 bad u suck at life and know nothing about me.. so really all i have 2 say is.. EAT SHIT.. but mayb ur right.. wait no.. no ur not.. so how bout u dont b a pussy and tell me who u r.. so i can have a lil talk w u.. bc u obv no NOTHING ab me.. unil then.. stop living.

HA HA HA HA HA-
HE SERIOUSLY GETS SO EMOTIONAL OVER EVERYTHING. That's just it...he used too. By reading this is made me realise how much I miss that. He just doesn't have that emotion anymore. Like nothing really matters. It was the drive, that passion, that energy about him that was so attractive, even just as a friend. It's like now he cares about nothing. It's like i'd give anything for him to say something like that to me....as long as he was actually showing some sort of emotion I wouldn't care if he told me to go jump off a bridge. Aw man, looking back I saw that and it made me smile and I totally pictured him saying it and it was so bittersweet. My favorite part is ... " but mayb ur right..wait no... no ur not... " haha..It's like he felt like he was actually talking outload. "until then.. stop living." Was a good part too....ha ha. Just thought i'd put a little Devin humor out there for everyone so you could all remember our energetic lad:)

PS: In searching through old entries I still think one of the funniest commericals is the one where the guy goes.. "Umm, your commerical would be a lot funnier if you had the gecco do the robot." Trust me..it's HIL-LAR-IOUS

NIGHTY NIGHT!!!!

Hi Bud.